Love, me.

I am reclaiming my self esteem. Are you wondering what you did with yours too?

I recently read in a magazine (and on a friend's blog) that Salt Lake City was rated by Forbes magazine as being the Vainest City in the Nation in 2007 and 2008 and was in the top 5 in 2009. Well, we've done it. We've let Satan take a good trait and twist it into something ugly and harmful. I truly believe that is what has happened...I think that as Christians and good people in general we are always trying to do better (good). I think we want the best (good.."be ye therefore perfect"...your body is a temple...). So, of course we are constantly taking a look at ourselves and finding things that need to be improved(...can be good...be careful). And there is ALWAYS something that could be better (uhhh...I'm not sure). So we criticize (bad).

Then there is the issue of humility (good). Only, I fell into another of Satan's traps (bad). I started to tell myself that it was prideful if I thought good things about myself. You wouldn't believe my inner chatter if you heard it...or maybe yours sounds like mine (sad). I'm starting to see that I am really hard on myself (bad). So, I'm letting go of the crazy and embracing the happy (good).

I really think that my sense of self has declined since motherhood entered my life. So I became a mother (good) and then I realized how hard it was and how I got things wrong everyday. That's when I started to see that I had a lot to learn and I told myself I wasn't very good at this (bad). I stopped looking at all my successes (bad). And then evertime my body exploded when large with child only to deflate into a lumpier, floppier, almost unrecognizable version of its former self, I almost couldn't look at myself. I couldn't stop berating myself for getting EVEN WORSE (dun dun DUH) than I was before! So again Satan took a tremendous gift (motherhood-good) and played on my every insecurity until he helped me morph it into something negative (bad).

I know a sweet girl, dear to my heart, who was literally in a life or death battle with anorexia recently (heartbreaking). She is surviving (SOOOO good). It made me take a look at myself and decide to make changes (good) and give myself a peaceful life, free of constant criticism. I want this so badly for my precious daughter as well. (PS I've just read a book called Intuitive Eating. It is so freeing. A weight has been lifted from my shoulders.)

Here's some things I'm learning:

My body is awesome (it is hard to say that! i'm dying to say things like "I know I'm overweight" or "I'm not saying I'm attractive" or "Don't judge!" but seriously would making those things my mantra help me in anyway? And I love you but it doesn't matter if you don't think my body is awesome:)) Here's why:

I am strong and healthy.

I gave birth to four healthy, amazing children.

I can do all the things I need to everyday.

Moving feels good and I can move freely.

I have a great smile.

My eyes are expressive and I like that.

I get a lot of pleasure from the feelings and experiences I have in this body.

It's okay to acknowlede that I am good at things. In some ways, I'm pretty great. And I can say I'm not good at things without feeling like that's a failure. I suck at some stuff. That doesn't make me worthless, it makes me normal.

I have allowed myself to be manipulated by outside forces (think of the BIG BAD MEDIA). I have completely bought into an innappropriate obsession with beauty (bad). I think it's okay to want to feel beautiful. I also think I can devote a few minutes in the morning, or whenever I change out of my pajamas:), to looking my best and then I think it's okay to leave it in the bathroom and spend the rest of the day thinking about others (g00d). I actually got this idea for an incredible conference talk by Susan W. Tanner here. I remember when she said,

"Over and over [my mother] said to me ' You must do everything you can to make your appearance pleasing, but the minute you walk out the door, forget yourself and start concentrating on others.' There it was. She was teaching me the Christlike principle of selflessness...When we become other-oriented, or selfless, we develop an inner beauty of spirit that glows in our outward experience."

It rang so true to me and it still does. (This talk is a great resource for teaching about modesty and treating your body with honor). How much time and mental anguish have been wasted on myself? Where in the world did that get me? I can tell you, it hasn't led to happiness (bad).

I am learning to sort through thoughts that enter my head, objectively examine them, isolate the intention, and change it to express my core values. If I start body checking when I walk in to WalMart (glamourous)...and you know what body checking is: "I'm fatter then her, a little thinner than her, I'm not sure about that one"...then I go ahead and look at that. Is it important to me what size someone else is? Am I stronger/healthier/kinder/more charitable (all things I really want) by perceiving myself as not as big as you? NO! Seriously, I've got a lot of crazy in here peeps. So then I erase that thought and replace it with something else like, "Wow it feels good to be cruizin through here! I love that I feel so energetic."

So, what do you say? Should we let ourselves be happy? Start by making some postive statements you truly believe about yourself. Make some about your body (HARD to do) and some not related to physical things. If you can't think of any, give me a call or email me...I can think of tons of things I love about you! (Ok, this obviously only applies if I actually KNOW you...is there anybody out there reading this that I don't know?) Actually, I would love it if you got in touch with me anyway...I don't hear from you nearly as much as I want to!

And while you're thinking on that here's a lot of cuteness to inspire you:

G giving the cubscout salute and E's first pack meeting. (E got his Bobcat!)